Monday, September 14, 2009

Patrick Swayze: RIP


What was it about Patrick Swayze that captivated the people world over? There was a façade that he presented to the media - the Playboy centerfold, the actor, the guy who married a man old enough to be his grandfather, a silly guy that smiled for the paparazzis, put on his happy face and did everything over the top. Sometimes us humans put on a mask and present a happy face to the people around us. What made Patrick Swayze so different was that he sometimes fell apart and he did not care who saw it, he did things his way and in the end you have to admire him because that takes guts and courage. He was also a loving mother that could not bear when his son died. And as for his gold digging ways, in his funeral arrangements he has specifically asked that his late husband’s ashes should be buried with him. What kind of a self-respecting gold digger does that? But one thing that was true wherever Patrick Swayze went, the media followed. And that has continued even in the aftermath of his death. After weeks of family feuds and bitter court proceedings the court has finally ordered who has the right to his remains and where he should be put to rest. To finally rest in peace after years of living in the public eye. And even after his death for all intents and purposes he did things his way and although his funeral was a solemn affair, it was also in his favorite color – pink, so over the top yet so unquestionably him.


RIP Patrick, you're in a better place now. When will celebrities learn that drugs can only lead to heartache and death? Let his death be a reminder to us us all to stay true and follow the word of God.

God Bless,

Antonie

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ella's Fashion Blandery

This is essentially the fashion-blog equivalent of Gwyneth Paltrow's sentimental favourite douche that she only brings out on special occasions because it is so covered in GOOP (i.e. fecal excrement) that its stench is enough to bring Twelve Major Chords/Dash Snow (see I'm just as relevant as all of those other blogs)/this blog back to life. Not Ella's blog, obviously; Gwyneth Platrow's Douche. I want to say something about Ella being so far up her own snatch that she can't differentiate between her asshole and her mouth, but the conceit became too complicated and my eyes hurt, so instead I'll indulge you with this little gem:


I have long been a lover of both fashion and cookery. This blog will do two things. Firstly, it will be my attempt at sharing my immensely good taste, in the hopes that it may reduce the despair I so often feel when I look upon the ineptly clad masses surrounding me. Secondly, it will be a place where I will seek to enhance your quality of life through the sharing of my culinary exploits; both cooking and eating related. My primary focus is baking, but I love all genres of food.

JESUS! Her immensely good taste has so far, in a baffling and provocative move, called track pants bad taste (yawn), criticised girls for wearing leggings (double yawn), advocated the incredible fashion statement that is tucking one's jeans into one's boots, and proclaimed cup cakes "v. in vogue". I'm actually finding it hard to get upset over this blog because it's just so banal in its crapiness. I want it to make me mad, but instead it just makes me tired. The only aspect of it that elicits any sort of genuine response from me is the fact that Ella takes herself so seriously: 'ineptly clad masses', 'genres of food'; now that's the talk of a pretentious fag if ever I've heard one. Get back in the closet Ella, you fucking faggot.
The photo bellow is titled: "Awkward Teenager Tries His Best".




http://www.ellasfashionbakery.blogspot.com







Sunday, August 2, 2009

Exclusive Interview with 'Prominent' Wellington Band: The Family Cactus


Seven-piece Wellington blues/pop/rock/yawn/blandito band Family Cactus is currently in the midst of a country-wide bid to lull insomniacs to sleep with their distinctly non-descript brand of blip-pop, which concludes in Wellington 21 August at San Francisco Bath House (get your pillows ready). The tour is in support of their recent album release ‘Come "Howling": Meow, Whimper’, which is currently playing in elevators in mid-western based quasi-indie films staring Zoe Deschanel. Antonie Hates' Antonie Dikmans caught up with the "delightful" Cactus members Adam Ladley and Graeme Cummack.


Antonie Hates: So not only did you play Camp [A Low Hum ’09] *shudder*, but, in a winning move, you opened Camp, do you feel like you've made it?


Adam: Yeah, and that was fucking tough. but as NZ's premier indie band it all comes with the territory. Jesus. I haven’t learnt, and none of us really have learnt yet, but once you've made it, like us, you basically have the world on a platter: babes, bucks and tons of fucks, man. Yeah!!!


Graeme: [In a desperate bid to appear equally as important as his fellow band member, Graeme added this gem] Yeah, it's a real conundrum!


Adam: Fuck yeah, totes!


AH: Well, you guys sure, were, ummm, there. You guys, er, sure have matured since the last time I heard you, which was nice (I'm humouring them). Memory fails me, but didn't you guys play something like 18 shows at camp, it felt like more, but I'm pretty sure it was 18, right? How many times did you play at Camp? 18?


Adam: We only played once.


AH: It seemed to go on forever.

Adam: Thanks!


AH: I hear you have nicknames for each other. Care to indulge your many fans?


Graeme: I don't think...

Adam: [Interrupting Graeme] Fuck off man, that shit is private. Don't ask me about my private life. Fuck you.


AH: Umm, sorry...


Adam: Nah fuck you, who do you fucking think you are?


Graeme: Calm down Adam! [gives Adam ipod playing Cactus song 'Kingmaker', Adam calms down, his eyes cloud over, and a single drip of saliva slowly trickles down his chin and drops onto the table]. Sorry, I doubt he'll be very much contribution to this interview now. At least now I can talk to you about our influences and how we are also considering starting our own fashion line and also how everyone thinks that we are really good looking and how maybe we should model for hip Wellington designers like those guys who made T-Shirts with big neon animals on them and sold them at Gold as Gold... [Graeme's diatribe lasts 45 minutes and had to be edited because it could mistaken for the lyrics to a Family Cactus Song]... and that's how I found out that I actually wasn't gay...

AH: [Slowly edges away from the table making sure not to rouse Adam from his stupor]

Graeme: Hey, where are you going? I've got more droll insights to offer on many subjects, including Russian literature... HEEEEY, make sure you capture the fact that I'm the brains of this operation, HEEEEY!!!!


AH: [Sprints off to the nearest pay-phone to call Youthline to prevent himself from committing suicide out of depressing/opressing boredom.]

By Antonie Dikmans

Lars Von Trier: Provocateur Extraordinaire

In a surprisingly erotic turn of events, I had the immense pleasure of watching Lars Von Trier's latest offering, Antichrist, in this year's film festival. There are three things that I learned from watching the film: 1. (All) Women are evil. 2. Sometimes foxes say things, things like "chaos reigns". 3. Charlotte Gainsbourg used to have a pretty nice clitoris and when she cut it off with a pair of rusty scissors it made a squelching sound not unlike the sound made by squashing an over-ripe lemon with the heel of your foot. Admittedly, I was only conscious sporadically throughout the film owing to the fact the overall eroticness of the film lead me get the most painfully rock hard erection of my life which deprived my brain of oxygen at various points leading me to pass out (think Last Tango in Paris but with DDG (drop dead gorgeous) Willem Dafoe instead of Marlon Brando). However, I was sentient long enough to realise that the film literally represented the age-old (1970s) 2nd wave feminist rhetoric of 'evil castrating, sadistic woman/women goes on evil, sadistic, castrating rampage, threatens masculinity/patriarchy and therefore must be punished (she gets strangled to death at the end of the end of the film while a deer, a fox and a crow watch on with shocked awe), how fucking provocative/original, Lars truly is the greatest director of our time (because Von Trier has never explored this theme before (I'm lying), yawn). Apparently it was some sort of social comment on how narrative cinema still employs this strategy 50 years on, but how it's hidden in Megan Fox's cavernous (think Tori Spelling) cleavage, or something. After relieving myself in the nearest trash receptacle/woman I sat there thinking 'I can't unwatch that', which is a shame because it was probably the most childish film that I saw in the festival (and I saw Ponyo). At least it was kind of funny when Charlotte Gainsbourg castrated Willem Dafoe by smashing his genitals with a milestone and then masturbated him until he ejaculated blood all over her face. Kind of funny. Kind of.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Oh Isaac, You are Such an Ironical Genius.

Isaac Likes (bukKake (zing)) is currently in Europe going all over the place doing all sorts of things in the name of fashion. Purportedly, at least. However, some top notch undercover sleuthing on my part has uncovered the true reason behind his trip abroad: homosexual intercourse. Recently Isaac posted this little gem:

The Gay Pride rally was all a bit noisy for me after a long day of shows, so last night I left the naked street dancing men of Le Marais and headed out into the balmy Parisienne night. I met up with Zippora and some of her model friends at a bar named La Perle (a word I had extreme difficulty pronouncing until I found out it's said just like 'pearl' in English).


However, a source close to Isaac (see his dildo), revealed that it instead should have read:

The Gay Pride rally was all a bit noisy for me after a long day of blowing fashion industry queers, so I lured the the naked street dancing men of Le Marais into my balmy anus with fresh Parisienne currency. Afterwards, I met up with Zippora and some of 'her' 'model' friends friends at a bar named Laperle (a word I had difficulty pronouncing until I removed Zippora's penis from my mouth). Tomorrow: a trip to the Le free clinic.


This is just for you Isaac since I know that you love googling your name ever so much, I'm sure you'll appreciate this little piece of journalist integrity. In future I hope that you'll be more honest about your sexual escapades and stop hiding behind the pretense of 'fashion' to maintain you heterosexuality. I really don't enjoy writing these exposes on you. I really don't.

NB: Isaac informs me that the above picture is titled Inappropriate Dildo Mishaps 5.


""'Neon Quote'""


Dear Neon Quote,

You make me want to injection mould a razor-blade into my eyeball/rectum/brain. This is too much. Neon Sleep is passable because you can look at ugly people wearing ugly clothes doing super-hilarious, completely spontaneous and uninhibited things like falling on the ground (OMG, I've never seen a drunk hipster fall over/dance super crazily, this is so kooky, it really makes me realize that we are 'people' ya know?) and laugh. I mean I'm sure some people (not naming names) eagerly await the next cavalcade vacuousness with clenched sphincter/vaginae: 'did I make the cut?', 'will I be on NEON SLEEP?', but those people are 12 or overweight. Neon Quote, you, however, are insufferable. You are not funny. Very few people are funny, especially objectively funny. This exchange, not so funny:



Charlotte - are you a lesbian

???? - no, im just bisexual.

Charlotte - Oh. Yeah i think im a little bit bisexual too.



This doesn't even count as lesbian humour. I doubt this could even make it's way into a 'Peanuts' adult comic strip. I mean, God, can't you just be content with searing you festeringly abrasive images onto my eyeballs via 'Neon Sleep'/the street (I'm glad I'm short sighted), at least I can pretend that you're deaf mutes. This is the peak of western civilization, right? Where assholes can be so self-indigent that they think 'the world' should know their various decontextualized 'witticisms'. Well it shouldn't be and you Charlotte, ????, and anyone else who has ever been on 'Neon Quote' should never speak again. Ever.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Kelvin asked me...

to be meaner, so I have decided to break my unspoken amnesty with Fluro Magazine and The Crack House 5. Expect posts about them soon.