Antonie Hates

Patrick Swayze: RIP

2009-09-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

What was it about Patrick Swayze that captivated the people world over? There was a façade that he presented to the media - the Playboy centerfold, the actor, the guy who married a man old enough to be his grandfather, a silly guy that smiled for the paparazzis, put on his happy face and did everything over the top. Sometimes us humans put on a mask and present a happy face to the people around us. What made Patrick Swayze so different was that he sometimes fell apart and he did not care who saw it, he did things his way and in the end you have to admire him because that takes guts and courage. He was also a loving mother that could not bear when his son died. And as for his gold digging ways, in his funeral arrangements he has specifically asked that his late husband’s ashes should be buried with him. What kind of a self-respecting gold digger does that? But one thing that was true wherever Patrick Swayze went, the media followed. And that has continued even in the aftermath of his death. After weeks of family feuds and bitter court proceedings the court has finally ordered who has the right to his remains and where he should be put to rest. To finally rest in peace after years of living in the public eye. And even after his death for all intents and purposes he did things his way and although his funeral was a solemn affair, it was also in his favorite color – pink, so over the top yet so unquestionably him.

RIP Patrick, you're in a better place now. When will celebrities learn that drugs can only lead to heartache and death? Let his death be a reminder to us us all to stay true and follow the word of God.

God Bless,

Antonie

Ella's Fashion Blandery

2009-08-25T15:59:00.001-07:00

This is essentially the fashion-blog equivalent of Gwyneth Paltrow's sentimental favourite douche that she only brings out on special occasions because it is so covered in GOOP (i.e. fecal excrement) that its stench is enough to bring Twelve Major Chords/Dash Snow (see I'm just as relevant as all of those other blogs)/this blog back to life. Not Ella's blog, obviously; Gwyneth Platrow's Douche. I want to say something about Ella being so far up her own snatch that she can't differentiate between her asshole and her mouth, but the conceit became too complicated and my eyes hurt, so instead I'll indulge you with this little gem:

I have long been a lover of both fashion and cookery. This blog will do two things. Firstly, it will be my attempt at sharing my immensely good taste, in the hopes that it may reduce the despair I so often feel when I look upon the ineptly clad masses surrounding me. Secondly, it will be a place where I will seek to enhance your quality of life through the sharing of my culinary exploits; both cooking and eating related. My primary focus is baking, but I love all genres of food.

JESUS! Her immensely good taste has so far, in a baffling and provocative move, called track pants bad taste (yawn), criticised girls for wearing leggings (double yawn), advocated the incredible fashion statement that is tucking one's jeans into one's boots, and proclaimed cup cakes "v. in vogue". I'm actually finding it hard to get upset over this blog because it's just so banal in its crapiness. I want it to make me mad, but instead it just makes me tired. The only aspect of it that elicits any sort of genuine response from me is the fact that Ella takes herself so seriously: 'ineptly clad masses', 'genres of food'; now that's the talk of a pretentious fag if ever I've heard one. Get back in the closet Ella, you fucking faggot.
The photo bellow is titled: "Awkward Teenager Tries His Best".

http://www.ellasfashionbakery.blogspot.com

Exclusive Interview with 'Prominent' Wellington Band: The Family Cactus

2009-08-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

Seven-piece Wellington blues/pop/rock/yawn/blandito band Family Cactus is currently in the midst of a country-wide bid to lull insomniacs to sleep with their distinctly non-descript brand of blip-pop, which concludes in Wellington 21 August at San Francisco Bath House (get your pillows ready). The tour is in support of their recent album release ‘Come "Howling": Meow, Whimper’, which is currently playing in elevators in mid-western based quasi-indie films staring Zoe Deschanel. Antonie Hates' Antonie Dikmans caught up with the "delightful" Cactus members Adam Ladley and Graeme Cummack.

Antonie Hates: So not only did you play Camp [A Low Hum ’09] *shudder*, but, in a winning move, you opened Camp, do you feel like you've made it?

Adam: Yeah, and that was fucking tough. but as NZ's premier indie band it all comes with the territory. Jesus. I haven’t learnt, and none of us really have learnt yet, but once you've made it, like us, you basically have the world on a platter: babes, bucks and tons of fucks, man. Yeah!!!

Graeme: [In a desperate bid to appear equally as important as his fellow band member, Graeme added this gem] Yeah, it's a real conundrum!

Adam: Fuck yeah, totes!

AH: Well, you guys sure, were, ummm, there. You guys, er, sure have matured since the last time I heard you, which was nice (I'm humouring them). Memory fails me, but didn't you guys play something like 18 shows at camp, it felt like more, but I'm pretty sure it was 18, right? How many times did you play at Camp? 18?

Adam: We only played once.

AH: It seemed to go on forever.

Adam: Thanks!

AH: I hear you have nicknames for each other. Care to indulge your many fans?

Graeme: I don't think...

Adam: [Interrupting Graeme] Fuck off man, that shit is private. Don't ask me about my private life. Fuck you.

AH: Umm, sorry...

Adam: Nah fuck you, who do you fucking think you are?

Graeme: Calm down Adam! [gives Adam ipod playing Cactus song 'Kingmaker', Adam calms down, his eyes cloud over, and a single drip of saliva slowly trickles down his chin and drops onto the table]. Sorry, I doubt he'll be very much contribution to this interview now. At least now I can talk to you about our influences and how we are also considering starting our own fashion line and also how everyone thinks that we are really good looking and how maybe we should model for hip Wellington designers like those guys who made T-Shirts with big neon animals on them and sold them at Gold as Gold... [Graeme's diatribe lasts 45 minutes and had to be edited because it could mistaken for the lyrics to a Family Cactus Song]... and that's how I found out that I actually wasn't gay...

AH: [Slowly edges away from the table making sure not to rouse Adam from his stupor]

Graeme: Hey, where are you going? I've got more droll insights to offer on many subjects, including Russian literature... HEEEEY, make sure you capture the fact that I'm the brains of this operation, HEEEEY!!!!

AH: [Sprints off to the nearest pay-phone to call Youthline to prevent himself from committing suicide out of depressing/opressing boredom.]

By Antonie Dikmans

Lars Von Trier: Provocateur Extraordinaire

2009-08-02T21:14:00.000-07:00

In a surprisingly erotic turn of events, I had the immense pleasure of watching Lars Von Trier's latest offering, Antichrist, in this year's film festival. There are three things that I learned from watching the film: 1. (All) Women are evil. 2. Sometimes foxes say things, things like "chaos reigns". 3. Charlotte Gainsbourg used to have a pretty nice clitoris and when she cut it off with a pair of rusty scissors it made a squelching sound not unlike the sound made by squashing an over-ripe lemon with the heel of your foot. Admittedly, I was only conscious sporadically throughout the film owing to the fact the overall eroticness of the film lead me get the most painfully rock hard erection of my life which deprived my brain of oxygen at various points leading me to pass out (think Last Tango in Paris but with DDG (drop dead gorgeous) Willem Dafoe instead of Marlon Brando). However, I was sentient long enough to realise that the film literally represented the age-old (1970s) 2nd wave feminist rhetoric of 'evil castrating, sadistic woman/women goes on evil, sadistic, castrating rampage, threatens masculinity/patriarchy and therefore must be punished (she gets strangled to death at the end of the end of the film while a deer, a fox and a crow watch on with shocked awe), how fucking provocative/original, Lars truly is the greatest director of our time (because Von Trier has never explored this theme before (I'm lying), yawn). Apparently it was some sort of social comment on how narrative cinema still employs this strategy 50 years on, but how it's hidden in Megan Fox's cavernous (think Tori Spelling) cleavage, or something. After relieving myself in the nearest trash receptacle/woman I sat there thinking 'I can't unwatch that', which is a shame because it was probably the most childish film that I saw in the festival (and I saw Ponyo). At least it was kind of funny when Charlotte Gainsbourg castrated Willem Dafoe by smashing his genitals with a milestone and then masturbated him until he ejaculated blood all over her face. Kind of funny. Kind of.

Oh Isaac, You are Such an Ironical Genius.

2009-07-02T02:02:00.000-07:00

Isaac Likes (bukKake (zing)) is currently in Europe going all over the place doing all sorts of things in the name of fashion. Purportedly, at least. However, some top notch undercover sleuthing on my part has uncovered the true reason behind his trip abroad: homosexual intercourse. Recently Isaac posted this little gem:

The Gay Pride rally was all a bit noisy for me after a long day of shows, so last night I left the naked street dancing men of Le Marais and headed out into the balmy Parisienne night. I met up with Zippora and some of her model friends at a bar named La Perle (a word I had extreme difficulty pronouncing until I found out it's said just like 'pearl' in English).

However, a source close to Isaac (see his dildo), revealed that it instead should have read:

The Gay Pride rally was all a bit noisy for me after a long day of blowing fashion industry queers, so I lured the the naked street dancing men of Le Marais into my balmy anus with fresh Parisienne currency. Afterwards, I met up with Zippora and some of 'her' 'model' friends friends at a bar named Laperle (a word I had difficulty pronouncing until I removed Zippora's penis from my mouth). Tomorrow: a trip to the Le free clinic.

This is just for you Isaac since I know that you love googling your name ever so much, I'm sure you'll appreciate this little piece of journalist integrity. In future I hope that you'll be more honest about your sexual escapades and stop hiding behind the pretense of 'fashion' to maintain you heterosexuality. I really don't enjoy writing these exposes on you. I really don't.

NB: Isaac informs me that the above picture is titled Inappropriate Dildo Mishaps 5.

""'Neon Quote'""

2009-07-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Neon Quote,

You make me want to injection mould a razor-blade into my eyeball/rectum/brain. This is too much. Neon Sleep is passable because you can look at ugly people wearing ugly clothes doing super-hilarious, completely spontaneous and uninhibited things like falling on the ground (OMG, I've never seen a drunk hipster fall over/dance super crazily, this is so kooky, it really makes me realize that we are 'people' ya know?) and laugh. I mean I'm sure some people (not naming names) eagerly await the next cavalcade vacuousness with clenched sphincter/vaginae: 'did I make the cut?', 'will I be on NEON SLEEP?', but those people are 12 or overweight. Neon Quote, you, however, are insufferable. You are not funny. Very few people are funny, especially objectively funny. This exchange, not so funny:

Charlotte - are you a lesbian

???? - no, im just bisexual.

Charlotte - Oh. Yeah i think im a little bit bisexual too.

This doesn't even count as lesbian humour. I doubt this could even make it's way into a 'Peanuts' adult comic strip. I mean, God, can't you just be content with searing you festeringly abrasive images onto my eyeballs via 'Neon Sleep'/the street (I'm glad I'm short sighted), at least I can pretend that you're deaf mutes. This is the peak of western civilization, right? Where assholes can be so self-indigent that they think 'the world' should know their various decontextualized 'witticisms'. Well it shouldn't be and you Charlotte, ????, and anyone else who has ever been on 'Neon Quote' should never speak again. Ever.

Kelvin asked me...

2009-06-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

to be meaner, so I have decided to break my unspoken amnesty with Fluro Magazine and The Crack House 5. Expect posts about them soon.

Deerhunter

2009-06-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

I went to Deerhunter last night with the sole intention of seducing Bradford Cox. Sure, he's anorexic, looks like a cross between and AIDS victim and a recently unearthed (female) corpse from Auschwitz, with the voice of Truman Capote/'Isaac Likes', but I thought, 'hey, beggars can't be choosy', plus I find all of those things sexy (especially Isaac). I stood in the audience with my eyes closed listening to his voice and 'the brilliant soundscapes' that they were creating. I though to myself; 'a little Viagra, a little Rohypnol, a little heroin, I could get through this evening alright: then, then I'd finally be one of the poverty jet-set: I'd have made it!'. Unfortunately for me, the overweight girl behind me decided that it would be a good time to start dry-humping me: her sweaty, pancake-like breasts flopping up and down on my back arhythmically to the music; her wheezy, phlegmy mouth-breathing 'seductively' blowing in my ear; her boyfriend's hand gently caressing my butt. Needless to say, I was aroused. Yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd done something bad, that I was dirty. How could I let Bradford stick me with his AIDS needle now? I'd betrayed him with a sweaty overweight girl and her Guido boyfriend on the dance floor right before his eyes. This, sadly was a love that could never be. I looked up a Bradford and mouthed the words: 'I will always love you', then stole myself away into the night, vowing that I would never let any woman 'use' me ever again. Thanks for ruining my life. Bitch.

Naomi Wolf And Debbie Harry

2009-06-11T19:48:00.001-07:00

After watching Videodrome recently I have come to the realization that "feminist scholar" Naomi Wolf has based her whole life and public persona around that of Debbie Harry's character 'Nikki' in the aforementioned movie. Now I'm not saying that the delighful Ms Wolf enjoys being skewered with needles while she has sex with James Wood or anything (see: that's exactly what I'm saying), but it does seem strange that Wolf occupies almost the exact niche in society that Niki occupied in Videodrome: sexy, ideologically ambiguous/contradictory, scholarly femme fatale. The problem is that Wolf just isn't quite as attractive as Harry (hahaha, now that's irony, Lucy, you'll get it someday), also the discourse that she spouts is more inane than a David Cronenberg script. She's like Debbie Harry's uglier, less talented sister. I guess 'Isaac 'just call me bi-i' Likes' knows exactly how she feels, living in my shadow is tough little guy, I don't envy you.

Dear Everyone:

2009-06-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

I'm Lazy. So no updates until next week. Unless of course Erin has the inlcination to rip someone of her choosing to shreds. Anyway, here are some covers from early Wonder Woman comics, which illustrate her journey from shitty 'fem-icon' to sizzlin' 'sex-pot'. Makes me glad to be a man (sort of).

Here is Wonder Woman, she used to fight Nazis (take that Germany)

Sometimes she would hit cavemen with wild boars (take that patriarchy).

But that made everyone uncomfortable, so they thought that Wonder woman needed to get married. Who will she marry, Mer-Man, Anoebaman or "Steve"?

Unfortunately, Wonder Woman's choice left most people disappointed.

So they decided to reinvent her! Ta Daaa!

The new Wonder Woman was sexier. Much sexier.

She was also into all kinds of kinky stuff.

With multiple partners (she's such a slut).

She was also a dyke. Now that's what I call progressive!

I was wondering, which Wonder Woman type are you?

Tough Wonder Woman?

Marriageable Wonder Woman?

Sexy/Slutty Wonder Woman (this is me)?

Never Have I Had A Greater Urge To:

2009-05-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

A. Slit open my eyeball with an AIDS needle.

B. Slit open his eyeball with an AIDS needle (although the AIDS aspect might be superfluous).

C. Disembowel Myself.

D. Sit in room for 5 days listening to nothing but Dido and watching nothing but Roswell.

Fat People

2009-05-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Fat People,

Why do you have to exist? There you always are, blocking my view of something, eating all the falafel and baba ganoush, trying on clothes several sizes too small at op-shops (forever ruining their shape and elasticity) or performing on Letterman.

This is Beth Ditto, she is fat.

When will you learn that if you don't want to be fat (and you shouldn't want to be fat, because it means that people are less sexually attracted to you) you just need to stop eating food? I don't care what people say, bulimia is for sluts and eating parasites is for Ethiopians, in my opinion, anorexia is the only way to go. Cotton balls and old newspaper soaked in orange juice (I hate you) give you your daily Vit C as well as much needed essential inks.

This is Sophie Dahl she is also fat, but she's a plus sized model, so I don't know how I should feel about her.

In conclusion, I really don't see how anyone could be fat. I think it's probably because you are just lazy or because you want attention. The next time I see a fat person I'm going to punch them in the back. Maybe then they'll learn that being fat isn't cool.

Love,

Antonie

Don't Eat Tuna in Public.

2009-05-23T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not a very big fan of eating in the first place. All its allusion to digestion, flatulation, complexion imperfection, weight-gain, health, it's not for me. So you can understand my disgust when I see people eating in a public place not specifically dedicated to the consumption of food (I'm very utilitarian). Even worse than this are people who eat smelly food in public places. Sush (the new abbreviation for sushi, you know, because that 'i' is just such a drag add on) is fine, for the most part it's odourless, and I must admit, I do quite like the smell of soy-sauce. Do you know what I don't like the smell of, huh, well, do you? That's right, it's tuna. So, to the asshole sitting next to me eating tuna (it's Hannah): STOP IT!

...

Oh, you have stopped, that's just your breath? Great. Excuse me while I stick my hand down your throat and rip out your oesophagus. I know, I know, the smell of you emptying your bowels as you slowly die is probably not going to be much more pleasant than that of the remnants of canned tuna slowly decomposing in your teeth, but, be reasonable, if you could talk I'm sure you would admit that you drove me to this point... Oh great: that's going to stain my Fall 2008 Burberry trench ($1550), thanks a lot.

Orange Juice, I Hate You.

2009-05-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Orange juice, you think you're so hot, but you're not. All the boys only like you because you dress like a skank. Don't give me that 'they're just responding to my personality bullshit', we've all seen Futurama, we 'get it'.

p.s. you're fat.

Coming soon...

2009-05-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Antonie and Erin's date at Fidel's (with pictures). Not pictures of us, of course, but, well, you'll see...

UPDATE: Turns out Erin and I have feelings. This was the most depressing discovery of our lives. Even more depressing than when Chloe Sevigny found out that she had herpes.

John in Charge vs The Crackhouse: Battle of the Altbros?

2009-05-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

So it seems that out of the ashes of my Isaac/Antonie blog war rose another, more intense and bitterly hilarious blog war: 'The Battle of the Altbros'. I don't know what started it, but word on the street is that Matt Buck, erm, I mean Buck Beauchamp and Rufus Knight were romantically entangled some years ago and that it didn't end too well, details are sketchy, but allegedly Cosmo's love wasn't 'enough' for Rufus. Anyway, I'd categorize the two feuding sides as:

The Ex-Wellington Fashionistos (http://www.johnincharge.blogspot.com/):

(white, 'straight', middle-class, educated, like: Television, The Stooges, The Velvet Underground, other 'prestige' bands, Little Brother (RIP), Zambesi (RIP), the shade of black, cultural capital, vice magazine, judging people openly)

VS.

The Pro-Wellington-Altbro-Man-Boys (http://www.crackhouse5.blogspot.com/):

(white, 'straight', middle-class, like: NWA, Kanye West, other vintage 'wrap' that I have never heard of, Jane Birkin, jokes about feces, 'hipster run-off', 'brotality', wearing caps with the brims turned up, ultra-ironic irony).

I'm interested: whose side do you take and why?

Do you think that John sounds like Patrick Bateman for the millenium?

Do you think that Kelvin sounds like Pee Wee Herman for the millenium?

Discuss.

Sharon Stone: It's all down hill from here.

2009-05-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

I liked the past, when academics were paid to write essays on whether Jane Fonda was beautiful or just plain, and when Wonder Woman drove around in an invisible spaceship, whilst remaining perfectly visible herself (sometimes she applied lipstick using her invisible rear-view mirror). In that spirit, I've decided to post on Sharon Stone, who, I argue, is/was the peak cliched Hollywood beauty. Look at that face, just look at it, symmetrical, blemish-free, petite features, flawless. Flawless to the point of being plain. Imagine trying to draw her caricature, impossible, even though she is a caricature. Bellow is Sharon Stone now. Don't worry, I'm not going on the 'look at what Hollywood/celebrity culture does to people, isn't it awful' tangent. I'm going on more of the , 'hahaha, look how funny Sharon Stone's breasts look' angle. Because they do look funny. Although, it's kind of sad, if you pause for a moment and think about it, it's really sad. Who'd have thought that Sharon Stone's breasts/face could make me so depressed. Maybe, just maybe, there's a little Sharon Stone in all of us... deep.

Oh Dear.

2009-05-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

This lovely lady, Siobhan (pictured above, see Isaac, I like vaginas/hetero porn as much as you), linked me to the best guy in the whole world, this guy: http://lookbook.nu/look/9900-Me. If my calculations are correct, he spent exactly $2085 on this 'outfit', which is pretty hilarious in itself, because, you know, he looks like Pavement molested (get it?) him and Pavement hasn't been around for nigh on 3 years. Yet the icing on the cake my friends, and Isaac, is that he posted this look of himself and then said, and I quote, 'Im sucha fraud me. everyone on here is a pretetious fuck :)'. Exactly the lucidity, grammar, syntax and spelling you'd expect from an Auckland design student/fashion designer/blogger.

Oh Isaac, I Wish I Could Believe You When You Say You Love Me, I Really Do...

2009-05-14T18:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Isaac, my secret crush/lover, here I was thinking that you were taking my abuse with gentle good humour, but instead, instead you're off posting your true feeling on other, similar to mine, yet pro-Isaac, blog http://johnincharge.blogspot.com/2009/05/we-call-em-birds-around-here-not.html . Calling me a faggot, god, you really know how to get to me. I just hate someone correctly identifies my sexuality. Oh wait, I get it, it was meant to be derogatory. Clearly displaying the same level of wit that you (and your blog) are synonymous with. Kudos to you. (Antonie smugly clicks 'publish post' and gets back to the real task at hand, sucking cocks.)

Titter (Not Twitter (I've finally achieved sitcom level jokes, great)): Affected Photos.

2009-05-14T16:50:00.000-07:00

Neon Sleep is so much fun because you get to 'experience' all the parties that you didn't go to whilst reaffirming that you made the right decision not to attend. Now, I'm not saying that taking party photos is stupid, I really don't care either way. What did Susan Sontag say about photography, if you want to disassociate yourself from the situation at had through a lens, be my guest, or something like that. Good. Fine. I'm just glad that there are consistently photos on hand of the funniest, most affected little scenesters Auckland has to offer (also Wellington, but it's harder to get excited about that). Bellow are photos that I chose randomly, because, you know, it offers a wider cross section of the crap out there.

Hey, girl on the right, don't you think you may have gone a little bit overboard with the fake tan... Yeah, yeah, you're black? Nice try, you're not fooling me. Not this time! Also, can you tell your friend with the face that her facial expression really doesn't make any sense... Oh, I guess it does - two in the pinky, one in the stinky - yeah, I get it. Hah.

Uh-oh, an easy target: The Aging Scenster. The glasses scream, or should that be, whimper, 'I'm still relevant, right?', the jacket says, 'Is it a a little cold in here?' and the facial expression over-eagerly says, 'I'm non-threatening, seriously, come and sit with me. Oh that bottle of Rohypnol, that's, er, that's just um for my own personal use, (wipes sweat drop from forehead*).

Christians. That's all.

So Isaac Likes Likes Antonie Hates... Do Opposites Attract?

2009-05-12T22:41:00.000-07:00

As many of you may or may not know, Isaac Likes has expressed his appreciation for my deliciously clever wit and perfectly relevant cynicism (So 1990? What does that even mean?).

Here is what he said:

"Hello Antonie, you just genuinely made me laugh! Thank you, please keep them coming - we do take ourselves a bit seriously sometimes." - Isaac

Warms my heart. However, Erin Cullinane (fashionista extraordinare)did a little digging and found out how it really went. The following is the unedited, uncesored version of Isaac Likes TRUE response to my blog:

"Hello Antonie, you just genuinely made me laugh! I mean I had to my tongue out of my own arsehole to do it, and you know what us fashion types are like! ARSE LICKERS 24/7! (Isaac removes ginger pube from his front teeth and smacks his lips)Thank you, please keep them 'coming' - we do take ourselves a bit seriously sometimes." Isaac

Isaac hi-fives his waif like, acne covered, 'yet to be in an editorial' model friend, "we showed that clown, Antonie!" he cheers as a bunch of dudes cum all over his smug rosacea tinted face. Isaac licks his lips and thinks about that dreamy Adrian Haliwood and what his asshole tastes like; "hmmm I wonder" Isaac says to no one in particular, "I wonder."

Breaks my heart.

By Erin and Antonie Cullinane

GAG, take note.

2009-05-11T14:32:00.001-07:00

Hey local funsters, do you sometimes feel that your ordinary ol' sunglasses can't express all the creative impulses that you have? Do you feel that your face could use some 'edgification'? Are you just a tad reminiscent to those simpler times when you only had to colour coordinate your Lego houses not ENTIRE OUTFITS? Well, with these little beauts you can have all that AND MORE. Didn't that insatiable dandy, Oscar Wilde, once say something like: ' every face should be a work of art, and, if not, should at least wear a work of art'. So now all you ugly people out there CAN wear a work of art on your faces. God Bless.

Happy Birthday Kim!

2009-05-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

While at Mighty Mighty on the weekend I had the great pleasure of seeing the whitest guy in the world wearing this t-shirt. My black friend, Mothla, and I stood there looking at him with amazement. We thought, this guy is either some kind of ironical genius (i.e. dick) or 'sincere type'. To put debate to rest I approached him and asked him about his t-shirt, I also told him that Mothla was very interested in him. He snorted a little and then let a drop of saliva dribble down his chin. I think I'm in love.

ALSO

Did anyone see Dan Nagels (of 'ultra now' Wellington quartet So So Modern) get his foot stuck in one of those folding chairs by the bar? It was pretty great, it must have been in there for a good five minutes. My favourite part was when Maggie, being the Good Samaritan that she is, tried to help but instead just crushed his ankle more and then got yelled at.

Antonie's Next Top Loser: Round #1

2009-05-09T20:43:00.001-07:00

Welcome to round one of Antonie's Next Top Loser, a competition where YOU get to decide who becomes Antonie's 'I can't believe it's not VD' Loser of the Week. Here we have our first five (self indulgent) little gems, so go ahead, feel free to post a comment on which one you want to 'win'. A tricky proposition really, I mean the obvious choice is me, but of course you don't want to be obvious, or do you...

Pic #1: Julia Kingham.

Julia's style is a mix of 'dyke chic', 'android party' and 'eggcentric-esoteric prints'. Julia says that the eggs on her dress 'are a reference to women's past roles as housewives and mothers' and how as 'past feminists [sic] we can look back and laugh at how stupid and subservient women were back then', she also adds, 'it's all about fertility too, a woman's fertility, you know, eggs and junk'. Julia couples her he dress with a smirk and a slumping posture as if to say: 'hey ladies, come and get me'.

Likes: 'edgy'/eggy fashion, spatial design, chai-soy lattes, obscure countries and cultures like Japan, orgies, 'black chicks'.

Dislikes: natural make-up/hair colour/style, men, gluten, dairy, spicy foods, expressing herself through a medium that doesn't allow her 'creative freedom'.

Pic #2: Lucy aka 'My Life is Art/Tragedy'.

Lucy is wearing an outfit that she describes as 'ice-skater chic', she says that she chose the colour black because it means that if she becomes 'surrounded by plebs' she can slowly fade into the background and become 'near invisible'. Lucy's goals include 'moving to Melbourne' and 'starting a 'Bauhaus-esque prog rock band'. Lucy says that her secret desire is to one day become an 'it' girl. Well Lucy, with this sort style and flair we'll be watching the stars...

Likes: Avante-theatre, The Vivian Girls, mature men, heroin, razor blades.

Dislikes: Laughter, children, 'mainstream girls', Katy Perry.

Pic #3: Hannah aka The Sidler aka the 'Lesbro'.

This girl doesn't mess around, her style is 'Lesbro chic' and she knows it. She may appear coy at first but she is really like a velvet glove cast in iron. She can cite pi to 200 decimal places and knows The Bell Jar off by heart. All of Hannah's attire is made from recycled 100% organic soy based neo-fabric. Hannah says 'although I think that most fashion works to reinforce the sexist power relations of our society, I try to dress in a way that works to subvert people's expectations of femininity'. You go Grrl, you go!

Likes: Judith Butler, monogamy, veganism, 'fighting the system'.

Dislikes: penis envy, 'the manocentric manocracy in which we live', 'the Chinese'.

Pic #4: Maggie aka Bleach Blond Whore aka The Sponge of Sorrow.

Maggie says that 'although I'm not a racist, I really like to go for that Aryan aesthetic' and thus characterizes her look as 'Aryan chic'. Maggie thinks that life is just one big 'PAAAAARTY', what kind of party (space party?, party-party?, White Supremacist Party?), well, only time will tell. Maggie's unique style and attitude make her a sure winner in our books and we just know she's destined for 'big' things!

Likes: a guy with a pretty face, neurosis, dogs dressed like people, thrift shopping, sedatives, the New Yorker, bleach, white supremacy.

Dislikes: cats, 'one night stands', children that breast feed until they are 9, the Fluro blog, black men/women, TV on the Radio,.

Pic #5: Yours Truly aka Antonie Hates aka Mr. Irony.

What can I say other than Bravo. While out wearing this outfit a passerby was heard to remark: 'Wow that girl's colour choice is so well considered. All worked well with her hair and skin colour. Brilliant and hard, but looks so relaxed as a whole. Love her attitude'. Note the ever so ironic arms in the photo, pretty cool, don't you think? Don't you?!!! You know, because I'm not serious about this or anything, heh, heh. WHY DON'T YOU LIKE MEEEEEEEE?

Likes: lazy Sunday mornings 'just sleeping in', the smell of fresh baked organic bread, fluffy little new born organic chicks, babies with rosey cheeks, scraped knees and spelling bees, black men, orgies with black men.

Dislikes: refer to blog.

NB: I got bored halfway through this post, sorry.

OMFG, I have come up with the hottest new trend!

2009-05-07T03:56:00.001-07:00

Enough about these R-fuelled David Lynch themed pot lucks, Juliet, I know where the 'cool' is. It's in drinking beer out of antique tea cups. It has all the 'street cred' of drinking beer mixed with all the class of drinking tea. It's like Larry Clark meets Chloe Sevigny, but with less AIDS and more herpes. Something I'm sure you'd know all about, Rebecca, Isaac. So come on everyone, especially Rebecca, let's get aboard this trend before it becomes passe (Don't worry, I'll slip a Valtrex in yours, Rebecca).

Ironic/Esoteric/Ironic Purporting to be Sincere/Nostalgic/Sex Theme Parties

2009-05-06T16:32:00.000-07:00

No, I don't want to attend your Gus Van Sant 1987-1994 and also 2001-2003 (you know, when he was good) theme party. No, I wont dress up as the Mexican from Mala Noche. I'm not Mexican, nor am I Asian. No, I wont attend your David Lynch hot-pot, potluck, bring a plate, bring a different personality party. Here's a tip, being a fan of David Lynch doesn't make you 'cool', even if you 'really really' liked Mulholland Drive because you just 'didn't get it, but it was still a total mind-fuck'. No, I don't want to attend your anything-to-do-with-the-80s or 90s theme party, nor do I want to dress like Meg Ryan, Whoopi Goldberg, Joan/John Cusack, or any other zombie you can think of for your 'Day of the Dead' (Mexican celebration or film, hey, it's interchangeable) themed birthday party. I also don't want to attend you Klaus Nomi meets Karen-O sleepover/keg party even if there is a chance that some one will slip me a rohypnol and show me a good time. Most of all, I don't want to attend you 'dress as your favourite Asian-fusion food' party. What the hell is that? Your favourite Asian-fusion food... I know that you're pretty boring (how could a party possibly be fun without a theme?) , but Asian-fusion food, ugh, it's not 2003, and even then... Do you know what, a theme party is just 'The Sevens' for hipsters. That's right, I said it.

NB: I know that these people aren't technically at theme parties, but you've got to admit, they're pretty much as annoying as theme parties.

I'm Inventive

2009-05-06T16:10:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of branching out a little and investing a bit more in my blog, with a section called "So... What Are You Wearing?". It'll be a 'take' on 'The Sartorialist' or the much better: 'The Flaneur'. Each week I will take four (or something) photos of people who I think deserve to be on this blog and then you (yes, all 3 of you) can all vote on which one becomes Antonie's 'Rich Creamery Butter' Loser of the Week.

Fashion is Funny

2009-04-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

In my bi-weekly peruse of 'Isaac Likes' I was delighted to be swept away into the world of vacuous fashion commentary and analysis, I particularly liked his analysis of the runway shows at Sydney Fashion Week: 'the faded sheen of the fluro pastels in the Arnsdorf show symbolises the faded dreams of Gen Y as they come to terms with awful realities of a world that just doesn't 'get' them, the layering represents the need for protection from an economic climate that can at best be described as frosty'. Also good are his musings on the interpretive dance that characterised the Dizingof show: 'rising like a Kate Bush from the flames, the interpretive dancers splayed their legs to reveal their deconstructed underwear, bruised thighs and reckless abandon for personal grooming. The whole show was characterised by a 'fuck you' attitude towards a system [any will do] that only works to oppress creative freedom'. Ahh, insightful. Excuse me while I go eat glass.

NB: I may have taken creative liberties with this 'story'.

Goodbye Imagined Celebrity Boyfriend Number 2

2009-04-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

The New Yorker, in its continuous bid to shatter the illusionary world of celebrity romance that I live in, has again published a story from one of my favourite directors, Noah Baumbach. Again this story is horrifically unfunny, it's even worse than Woody Allen's. It's about bees, bees on cocaine and the hilarious things that bees would say on cocaine. For example, 'Dude, dude, wouldn't it be like totally awesome to get a beer and then sting people...' Hah. Hah. Hah. Why, Noah? Why? So many sleepless nights have been spent imagining a reverse 'Single White Female' situation where I dress and look like you (not that WHORE Jennifer Jason Leigh), but instead of you stabbing me in the back with an icepick after I murder your best friend, your wife (BITCH) and that older 'cougar' at work who sexually molested you (I'm looking at you Kathryn Bigelow), you embrace me in your skinny, Italian-American arms and then introduce me to Parker Posey. Not now though. Now I long for the gentle caress of that blade/ice pick, for I cannot live in a world where you suck.

Pro-Hating, By Michael.

2009-04-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

Seemingly there is a demand for hate. We revel in it, right? When asked to write an article for Antonie Hates my thought was, "Hate? Hate? What, me?" and then came to the thundering realisation that it was true. I hate so many things, so many people, ideas, fashions, buildings. We all do. And to the people who consider themselves above public admission of abhorrence - you're lying to yourself. Stop hating on the haters. Me, sincere. You, plaster saint.

By Michael 'J. R.' Crosbie

Michael is a Sagittarius, loves S&M and Rilke. For 'revealing' photos you can find him on www.outandproud/orgy/gangbang12/michael.com

Antonie's Loser of the Week, Featuring this Guy (as selected from 'The Flaneur')

2009-04-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

I chose this guy because everyone on 'The Flaneur' looks kinda embarrassed to have their photo taken for such an empty purpose. You know, they have the shame filled eyes and slumping posture that only a deeply conflicted hipster can have (i.e. 'I'm so flattered that YOU want to take MY photo, but at the same time I'm worried that your blog isn't esoteric enough to warrant my appearance, I mean, are you edgy enough for me?' - JK). This guy on the other hand, he's all for it. Not only is he willing to get up there with the statues, he's willing pout his little face off too. Good work, I hate you (call me).

An Open Letter to Woody Allen:

2009-04-25T19:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Woody,

I have been your number one fan for a very long time. Yes, I was the one who kept sending you erotic khremzlakh at Pass Over, and strategically arranged matzo ball soup at Christmas. What can I say, your neurosis has had me in a spell for the past ten years (yes, even when I was 12 (I know how you like that)). My love for you, Woody, hasn't been without it's tests, I mean, 'Hollywood Endings', what the fuck was that (Deborah Messing, really?), but I've endured it all. Through thick and thin, right? That's what we'd always used to say. Well, that was before your hideously unfunny short story in the New Yorker(http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2009/03/30/090330sh_shouts_allen). Seriously, Jewish humour meets Budhist humour (the latter, I'm sure, is not even a real category of humour, I mean how unfunny is the Dalai Lama.) A tale from the lobster's point of view? Yikes, you'd expect this kind of drivel in the Village Voice, maybe even Fluro, but not the New Yorker. For shame, for shame. God, I even forgave you for 'Melinda and Melinda' and this is the thanks I get. Please find enclosed the the cuttings from your peyos that you sent me when I was going through that 'hard time', and also the dradle that we made together, out of clay (like in 'Ghost'). For we, I know now, can never be.

Goodbye fair prince,

Goodbye.

With burning resentment,

Antonie Hates

Public Service Annoucement

2009-04-25T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have recently realised that being mean is hard to maintain. I mean, constantly finding new/"unique" ways to deride mass cultural tendancies is not that easy. However, having said that, there is one trend that I just couldn't help myself with: the black leather jacket. Ho, and indeed, hum. How long can this one hold on for? Obviously very popular with the ' I swear I'm not gay, 'alt bro' set', but not particularly interesting. I fear it would probably even be too boring for 'The Flanuer' to blog about (not Isaac Likes though). So, to all those 'alt bros' out there who are just about to slip out for some 'male bonding', don't slip on a black leather jacket, and always use protection.

The Term 'Hater'...

2009-04-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

This term is pretty, er, great, I mean, why don't people just love everything? Standards? Pfft, standards are for pretentious wankers who don't know how to get down and have a good time. Imagine a world where everybody liked everything, where people just appreciated the effort that other people made and where everyone 'created art'. What a Utopia that would be. All those h8rz out there need to learn that 'dissing' other people's art is just counter-productive. You know, tall poppy syndrome, 'untalented jerks, just being jealous'.

My favourite part of this rhetoric is the continued emphasis on jealousy. You know what, not everyone needs to be musically or artistically (in the most literal sense) creative to be worthwhile. The world doesn't need yet another bellow average prog rock, avant-crap, electro-pop indie-tribal band or, God forbid, 'conceptual artist'. Furthermore, 'hating' (that has apparently has become synonymous with criticism) isn't so bad. Some people aren't good at what they do. They just aren't. Why do we have to pretend that they are? WHY? Why is Gen-Y so different from Gen-X? We are undiscerning hedonists, great, well don't come crying to me when Pig Out release another EP that your neighbour insists on playing constantly to prove he's on the pulse of the NZ music, or when the Tiger Tones beat you up because they're all high on P (hey, it's all part of their 'performance art').

Antonie's Patented "Lisa Rinna Presents" The Loser of the Week Featuring that Evil Dwarf Who I will Call Ed.

2009-04-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

You know that guy, that Dwarf who always hangs around Cuba St and may or may not be mentally disabled, but who is certainly mean? The one that calls guys 'fags' or 'gay girls' and makes sexist remarks to girls like 'I can see your underwear' or "ugly, ugly, ugly' and then when you confront him he yells 'hey, this guy's trying to beat me up, me, a mentally disabled dwarf'. In fact he once accused me of being a girl and then claimed that I was wearing a wig. Actually, that's kind of funny, but still, this guy, he's not my type of guy.

So, Mr Evil Dwarf, if you're reading this, assuming that you can read, may I remind you that the street is not a public sphere where it is socially acceptable to be outwardly mean to strangers. No, sir, that is reserved for the internet, where you can remain anonymous. In fact, you could tell everyone that you are 6'2" and a flight attendant and they might believe you. Hey, you could even get a date, there are a lot of desperate ladies out there (see above).

Megan Fox: Necrophiliacs Delight?

2009-04-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Personally, I don't think that there is anything sexier than an emaciated zombie rising alluringly out of a pool of dark water. Look at those hungry eyes, cavernous breasts and razor sharp hip bones, take note, George A. Romero, take note.

Also, I don't know what the eyebrow piercing says...

2009-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hey Erin, remember when JK made all of those stupid necklaces, like the ones with 'Action Man' flippers and the one for Thom with the Game Boy on it? (and then we never wore them and gave them away soon there after). Apparently, (obviously this isn't particularly new) they are a big hit in the Urkel meets Spike Lee meets Kanye West meets NYC Girl Hipsters. Frankly, I think they look great. It's like the glasses say 'let's do lunch', but the Game Boy necklace says 'you're paying'. It may also say: 'I'm a man-boy who never developed past the mental/emotional age of a 9 year old and now I enjoy sex that involves mother-child role play and sometimes diapers'.

Somebody Hates Easter!

2009-04-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hey Easter, we're all miserable, we shouldn't have to be fat and sober too.

An Open Letter to Jonathan Demme, Anne Hathaway...

2009-04-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Jonathan Demme, Anne Hathaway,

In response to your latest film, Rachel Getting Married, may I just take a razor to my eyeball as a cloud cuts across the moon (hahaha, I'm so erudite). But seriously now, weddings aren't particularly fun, moreover, hipster weddings are a lot less fun, moreover, hipster wedding set in 2008, but that are more reminiscent of a 1970s commune are the least fun. What were you thinking?

It's nice to see that you have tackled criticism of the absence of other (not Other) races in your previous films, however, did you need to do so in such an obviously forced way: offering 13 different stereotypes of Black people isn't exactly the most subtle/effective form of affirmative action. Also, it's a hipster wedding, don't you think there might be a few fags and dykes there (hint: gays love being hip).

One last thing, no one cares about the plight of an upper middle class drug addicts unless they are addicted to Valium and it's the 1950s. Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn! Frankly, you should just give up.

Love,

Antonie xx

p.s. I must admit, the symbolism was a BIT much.

Oy Vey (or, alternately, Oi Viii!)

2009-04-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

So here's a tip, when you decide to call your blog something as pretentious as 'The Flaneur' (http://www.theflaneur.org/) make sure you understand what you're naming your blog after. I'm quite certain that Baudelaire didn't consider flanerie the act of taking photos of annoyingly dressed, moderately attractive hipsters for the sake of 'fashion' envy. Here are some better titles for this blog:

http://www.imstupidandpretentious.blogspot.com/

http://www.pleaselikeme.blogspot.com/

http://www.imavacuoushipster.blogspot.com/

http://www.itslikevicedosanddontsonlywithoutanycommentary.blogspot.com

www.iminsecurebutauthorotativewhenitcomestofashion/photography.blogspot.com

The End.

Miss NZ, What a Babe?

2009-04-07T23:05:00.001-07:00

So here's our Miss NZ 2008, old news I know; however, what's not old news is that she works at ASB on Manners street and I had the great pleasure of being served by her today. As you will recall for her 'talent' in the Miss Universe Pagent she performed a traditional 'Kiwi Haka' in a sequined leotard. She also said that if she became Miss Universe she would help the world by teaching children the value of saving money (she works in a bank, remember), clearly a klassy and sophisticated gurl. Anyway, I needed a new EFTPOS card, because I sat on my old one and it snapped in half, so I showed her my old EFTPOS card, which, embarrassingly enough, had a photo booth photo of me and Hannah on it. She asked me 'did I want to keep the photo?', to which I replied; 'of that whore, no way'. She then, ever so politely noted, 'these stickers are pretty Asian', I responded with a quzical look, then she said 'you know, Asians love them, them photo booths', I laughed uncomfortably, to which she responded by awkwardly saying (in her best Paraparaumu accent) 'I love Asians!'. I took my card and left.

She had style, she had flair, (most importanly) she was there, that's how she became Miss NZ.

What a gal!

No Friends. No Good.

2009-04-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

An irksome matter has recently dawned on me, some people don't have friends (see above). This was brought to my attention by my friend, Maggie, in the vein of 'hey, some people don't have friends, cut them some slack'. I was ready accept this, but then I realised - there's got to be a reason why these people don't have friends. For God's sake, even Julia Kingham has friends. In the end I think there has to be something fundamentally wrong with these people (see above). I mean, you've got to get to a point in your life where you realise that perhaps it's not that you haven't found people who 'get you' (thanks www.hipsterrunoff.com, I hate you) it might in fact be because you are, and have always been, a dud (e.g. > Julia Kingham). So, to all those people who have no friends, instead of sitting in a cafe reading a book and making more people dislike you, get a better personality.

People Who Read Novels at Cafes: STOP IT!

2009-04-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Hey asshole, you're not Baudelaire, you're not even Baudrillard: stop reading 'literature' in cafes! Congratulations, you're recently literate, you're proud of it and you want people to know. Here's a happy little fact: no one cares, especially if you're reading Haruki Murakami. Not only do you look like a pretentious idiot, but a cafe is the worst place to read, it's noisy and distracting. Go to hell cafe readers, go to hell.

NB: Reading while you wait for someone may or may not be acceptable.

I Must Admit, I Don't Really Like 'Isaac Likes'

2009-04-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ahh yes; 'Isaac Likes', I fear that you are the antithesis of me, 'Antonie Hates' and for this reason I doubt that we'll ever get along. Surely every blog is self-absorbed to some degree, that's the nature of the blog is it not? But really, when the only thing that Isaac likes is Isaac it's going to get tired pretty fast. While I do, dear Isaac, find photos of you going to Cassette or modelling the latest Karen Walker sunglasses titillating (to say the least), I must admit that I found your entry about your car having rust to be far and away the highlight. Truly fascinating stuff. Not to mention witty. Brava, dear friend, brava!

If you enjoy tipping sulfuric acid directly into your cornea, here's the link to Isaac Likes: http://www.isaaclikes.com/

Stuff Stupid People Like

2009-04-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

What an insighful little book (not). What, was he too scared to call it "What Hipsters Like", yeesh. But you know, because Lander's a hipster it's cool; it's self depricating and that means he's totally aware of the irony of the situation. Congratulations you wrote a self-loathing book/blog that's just a little bit racist. Oh, and the satire of contemporary-yuppie culture, mwah. Eat your heart out Bret Easton Ellis. I hate Gen Y.

Nu Tribal; you complete me

2009-04-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

I love Nu Tribal. It combines everything that was great about Nu Rave with everything that is great about World Music. Bravo. Not only does it make my ears bleed but also my eyes. What did I do to deserve this? Oh, wait, that's right...